By Masooma M Lotia

If an advertisement was placed seeking a mother, here’s what it may look like:

Wanted: Mother

Salary: Nil

Essential Criteria: Must Place Everyone Else Firts

Desirable Criteria: Must be Perfect in everything

Qualifications:

Driver’s License:

Applicant must be able to control vehicle with broken air conditioner in heavy traffic while listenin to crying baby in back seat. You must have the ability to concentrate while singing and know the location of every public washroom around town. As the job progresses, you will be experienced in loitering outside youth venues late at night.

Catering:

Must be capable of pre-planning menus for varied appetites for a minimum of 18 years. Supplement of milk to infants is required, as is frequent dinner preparations for large numbers.

Administrator:

You will be directly responsible for control of budget estimates and negotiations.

Nurse:

Must be able to exist without sleep for up to six days, while completing other duties simultaneously. Must display proficiency in caring for the sick in the early hours of the morning or wee hours of the night, as required by employers.

Educator/Tutor/Artist:

Must be able to recite and be cognizant of everything written about dinosaurs. Ability to make necklaces from macroni and dental floss will be well regarded. Later, a basic understanding of languages,  arithematic, algebra, and possibly geometry may be required. Sciences, sociology and psychology is also a plus.

Tailor:

Must be able to design and sew rabbit outfits for sncerts, alter torn seams, darn socks with holes, patch holes in knees of trousers and anything else as required.

Dry Cleaner & Laundry:

Must keep all clothing inventory perfectly washed, pressed and stain-free at all times. There must be no backlog of laundry items at any time. Stain-removal is essential and all duties must be done without disturbing family peace (i.e, should be done when everyone is asleep).

Housekeeping/Butler Services:

The perfect candidate will be able to mantaina perfectly groomes home, with all beds made with fresh linens, toys and household clutter kept in place and kitchen kept clean at all times. Refrigerator and pantry must always be stocked with healthy, nutritious meals and snacks available at all times of day and night.

Hairdresser:

Applicant must have the ability to detect and treat head lice, remove chewing gum fom hair and cut perfectly straight fringe while the client is kicking and screaming in protest. Later different hair Do’s are a must for parties and social events.

Bike Engineer and Household Items’ Technician:

Will need to be well-acuainted with all aspects of bicycle maintenance, including fitting and removal of stabilizer wheels, shining body of cycleas needed, reapplication of chain and any other required action. Applicant must also be able to repair punctures or get them repaired with minimal wait – time. You should also be able to fish out pens from toasters, and other toys from various machines.

Veterinary Assitant:

Must care for and train a variety of pets after owner has relinquished responsibility and ownership of them. Frequent feeding and cage cleaning required, as necessary. Applicant must be able to rescue helpless pets from washing machines and being tied to ceiling fans via ropes. Must be well versed in neighbourhood disputes and conduct occassional burial services.

Cleaner and Decorator:

Will be conversant with removal of sticky products and graffiti from doors, walls and other surfaces (including but not limited to grandparents’, Aunts’ and Uncles’ houses). Should be able to tolerate and help stick rock stars and movie stars postures instead of Winnie the Pooh wall papers later.

Secretarial:

Will have the ability to hold perfectly valid and comprehensible discussions on the telephone while someone is hanging off leg and someone else is banging a tin with a wooden spoon. Must be willing to share telephone priviliges with teenagers.

Entertainment Coordinator:

You will organize sporting functions via telephone and trips to the school office. Your presence will be required at all sports day, drama festivals etc in all seasons – as needed – and encouraged to enter into strong discussions with opposing factions. Purchase and maintenance of all equipments is requires. Must be able to hold parties, make jelly or other confections as demanded by employers at the time nad invent games where everyboy wins.

Punching Bag:

You will be required to be a punching bag both literally ( in the case of cranky toddlers) and metaphorically (for teenagers). You must have the ability to handle such situations pleasantly and listen to all the whining and grumbling with an open heart and ashould be able to mould face expressions accordingly. It is required that you should have the patience to answer all the serious whys and why nots asked by employers.